The End?

Right now, I’d say the odds are 75-25 that this will be my last blog post. Blogging has been a lot of fun, especially meeting the fine folks that I have through here, but sometimes, you have to wake up and realize it’s time to put away your toys.
Writing has been fun, and a decent outlet for me. Yet, on occasion, reality will haul off and slap you a good one. My face is still stinging this morning. Let me tell you, it shakes you to the core to realize that you are no better than someone from your past. In this case, it was my ex, Christine. She used to kick my ass fairly regularly. Does this mean I hit someone with my hands? God no! If I did something like that, I wouldn’t be writing this now.
No, I did something much worse: I used my words to hurt. It really fucks with my confidence and faith in myself to know I had it in me to do this. What makes it so much more disgusting? I promised this person I would never do it to them because they are getting it from another. What kind of person would do that? The worst kind. Some would say it’s okay because I was upset. I call bullshit on that. That makes it even worse. I feel absolutely like shit that I did this, yet part of me hopes I’m never forgiven by this person. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.
Am I asking for sympathy? Hell no. forgiveness? No. Not that either. Then why am I writing this, you ask? Simple. As a warning that I’m not a good person despite what may be thought. Good people don’t violate someone’s trust. Good people don’t hurt others with their words.

What was said, you wonder? Without going into specifics, I said to this person they were acting like their abuser in not letting me choose for myself what I was going to do. Real nice, huh?

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5 thoughts on “The End?”

  1. You know my opinion on this and I will not re-state it. I do hope you will continue blogging though. I know I don’t say it often enough, and I apologize for that, but I do enjoy reading your posts. That being said, I’ll respect and support any decision you make 🙂

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  2. Well, now. What can I say? I suppose you’re free to do as you choose and this is none of my business really. If you’ve made up your mind about this then so be it. But I do find it interesting you’re doing the exact same thing you said I shouldn’t do… Turtles are no good if they only stay in their shells, you know. Not that you’re a turtle… but you get what I mean. If you need time, I’ll understand.

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  3. I couldn’t say I know what’s going on with you buddy. But I’ve been in what sounds like a similar position though. My buddy broke up with his girl friend and she hooked up with a few of his friends. I was friends with both of them and from time to time I would hang with his ex. I told him not worry, I wouldn’t do anything with her. I slept with her and he found out a day later. It sucks when you let someone down that you care about. But it happens. We’re human. The last thing you should give up is writing. Writing (especially this blog) is a good way to help yourself work shit out (by yourself or with the help of others). I hope you pull through and don’t be too hard on yourself.
    -Cody

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  4. i have to agree with all of the above comments on this one. i’m not 100% sure what happened from your writing. but, from where i stand, it sounds like you’re being a bit hard on yourself. we are ALL shitbags at one point or another in this life. that IS -unfortunately- part of being human. what you’re not giving yourself for is having the self-awareness to realize that you did something you don’t like. you know who does NOT do that? truly evil people, which you are clearly not. we all say things we shouldn’t. feck, i do so on a nearly weekly basis!! anyway, i hope you blog again. much love, mother

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