Self Loathing

Is there anything more devastating to deal with? It’s bad when it’s a normal, day-to-day thing. It is worse still when it’s due to being in an abusive relationship. I mean, you hear from someone who is supposed to love you tell you how much you suck when you mess up – even if it’s in their eyes only -, you start to believe it. And then, if you’re lucky, you have other loved ones pointing out what the abuser is doing to you, and asking, “How can you not see this is bad?”

 

Hmm. First the person you are in love with is calling you dumb for screwing something up, then someone else is inadvertently doing the same thing by asking how can you not see the abuse.  Is it any wonder you begin to hate yourself, if you didn’t before you got into the abusive relationship to begin with?

 

My ex, Christine (who you may have read about before) had a particularly wonderful refrain: “Why the fuck do I continue to put up with your stupidity, Robert? I must be some kind of masochist, but damnit, I see so much potential in you, if you’d just do what the hell you’re told.” To which I could only hang my head in shame, and apologize. One of the toughest things about being in that situation was the knowledge I was completely alone. Folks readily recognize that males abuse females, but the opposite is not so true. If a guy hits a woman, he’s the lowest for of scum on earth that needs his nuts ripped off, be burned alive, ect. If a woman hits a guy, well, he must have done something wrong, or he deserved it in some fashion. I told one person what happened to me, the reason why I was in the hospital. I was asked if I had cheated on my girlfriend, or something stupid like that. I think due to that verbal slap, I ended up staying with Christine another fourteen months. It took catching her in the act of cheating on me, on our wedding day, to get me to leave.

 

So, back to the self loathing aspect. When I regained my freedom, the amount of self hatred I had prevented me from really having a normal relationship for years. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I didn’t realize I was sabotaging myself, though. I met a wonderful woman named Victoria about six months after I left Christine. When the poor lady would try to compliment me, or tell me I was a good person, I couldn’t and didn’t, believe it. I had a little voice in my head (that sounded an awful lot like Christine) telling me how worthless I was, and that I was a terrible person. I was also telling myself there was no way I could be loved because of how messed up I was. I eventually drove Victoria away. Fortunately, it was to a man who treated her the right way.

 

I still find it hard to articulate the hatred I have for myself, if you haven’t noticed. How do you put into words how worthless you feel, and how stupid you must have been to allow yourself to end up in a situation where someone is allowed to beat you with things like golf clubs, baseball bats, cast iron skillets, ect? How can you not see while you’re in there how bad it is? Simple. They tell you each time they love you. They only want what’s best for you. And, it wouldn’t happen if you didn’t make them do it to you. Did I really deserve those things that were done to me? Most days, the answer is, “No.” Other days, though…

 

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8 thoughts on “Self Loathing”

  1. Can’t say I’ve ever been in an abusive relationship. But, I do know what self-loathing is like, I’ve been down that road. It is something that takes time for it to pass, and usually starts with little things. I’m glad your not in that relationship anymore, and I wish the people in this world had more understanding and sympathy for other people. The world plays males out to be tough as nails, but golf clubs, baseball bats, and cast-iron skillets do just as much damage to us as a female.

    We are also are seen at the top of the hill, we have all the rights. How often do you hear of right advocates for white males? There is no white male supremacy anymore, and society seems to be shuffling us quickly to the bottom.

    You should make a list of things you like about yourself and add to it daily or weekly. Read it on those off days. Here are some of the things I’ve picked up from what little I know about you:

    1. You’re a damn good writer. I can’t wait until you have a revised and organized piece to read. Meanwhile, I will weed through your blog for your story when I have a little more free time. Two kids, a wife, a full time job, writing, and blogging keep me pretty busy!

    2. You’ve been through some shit. Everyone goes through some, but some more than others. I tend to favor the people that have been through more. They have more depth, they are more interesting people. People that have life handed to them on a silver platter tend to be extremely shallow.

    3. I’ve always had a sense that you were the gentleman type. Part from the way you talk to others and part from your writing. Gentlemen are rare. You deserve better. Any number of women would be lucky to be with you. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.

    Good luck! I hope those off days decrease even more, and even disappear.

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    1. Thanks, man. I appreciate those words. Unfortunately, more bad news came for me today: The woman I am in love with said she just wants to be friends. Ouch. lol. I can’t seem to catch a break. Oh well, no more whining. Time to suck it up, and move on, eh?

      Thanks for reading, and commenting.

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  2. I totally understand what you are saying. As a former victim of abuse, it still amazes me that I was dragged down so low that I could not see any positive in me. So many of us are torn down repeatedly and do not deserve the treatment that we get. Abuse happens to men, women and children and NO ONE should be abused. I am sorry that you went through this but just know that God heals and restores. He uses the broken, remakes them stronger and then calls them to help others. As a victim of abuse, you will have a voice to reach other male victims of abuse. I will be praying for you…. Many blessings..

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  3. I understand what you’re saying, somewhat. When I decided to leave, to fight for my own life, I was/am faced with conflict on so many more fronts than I ever anticipated.

    On my better days, I laugh to myself about how life has become a game. How many different plates I can keep spinning at all times? While hobbled, one hand behind my back and a blindfold over one eye. Let’s not forget the enraged, wounded lion still stalking me from the corner.

    I am not out of it yet. Not completely. And I do wonder if the brightness at the end of the tunnel is truly the way out, or the headlights of an oncoming train that I’d somehow have to dodge, spinning plates, hobbled legs and all.

    The lion’s on his own though 😉

    Re: self-loathing – I am hoping it’s something that becomes better with time. It does, right?

    Thank you for sharing, Mr. Foster. Awesome post, as always 🙂

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    1. The light you see if freedom, not a train. The great news, love is: Some of the hardest stuff is almost over for you. That part that requires others, I mean.

      The self-loathing part? Well, that, too, is up to you. How long will it take you to decide to try to forgive yourself?

      Thanks for visiting, and commenting.

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