I’m Curious

Why is it that folks suddenly pop up saying how much they care when they think you’re going to kill yourself, but they don’t do so before then? I mean, wouldn’t it be more believable if you showed it prior to said declaration, or implication?


I don’t understand that.


Due to having been the one to discover my best friend’s dead body after he committed suicide when I was twelve,  I’ve not had any sympathy for those who killed themselves. I’ve always maintained they were supremely selfish, and cowards. I still think so, but, I sympathise with them a bit more. See, I suffer from depression. Every so often, it creeps up, and dropkicks me in the back of the nugget. I start to beat myself up, going over, and over, and over, all the ways I’ve hurt those I love. I start to think it would be better for them if I were no longer around. Or, I wonder if someone, anyone, really cares about me. When I am in that dark place, the answer always comes up, “No.” And then I start to think I should end my life because, what’s the point in living if no one cares about you, right?


But, there is something that stops me every single time. Let me tell you: It’s not noble, or selfless at all. I don’t kill myself because if I do, it’s all over. No more learning. No more hearing the sound of the love of my life’s voice. No more hearing her laughter. No more learning about our world, and universe. There would be no more long walks during the summer. No more dreams about the future.

I’m selfish that way.


Know Me Better Pt 3

Part one is here and part two is here.


11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It all depends on what is going on at the time. However, I always love them, and will do my best to always be there for them.
12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends?

I met her on critiquecircle.com, which is a great resource for new writers. We became friends over shared experiences, love of reading, and we enjoyed each other’s work.

13: Name one movie that made you cry.

I was very young when Masters of the Universe starring Dolph Lundgren came out, and it made me cry because it had nothing to do with the cartoon I loved. Plus, he was too skinny to be He-Man!

14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?

Neither. I simply don’t get, nor understand it.

15: Things about someone who you find attractive?

I find their intelligence attractive as hell. Their sense of humor is also very sexy to me.

Jennifer Steel, Agent of the F.S.I.A. (chapter 4)

On the other side of the door, lit only by her flashlight, was an almost empty room. Dusty cobwebs clung to sheet-covered objects. A table, split in two by the weight of a fallen chandelier, lay in the middle of the floor where it had died. The faint odor of decayed mouse turds floated up, disturbed by her footsteps. A floorboard creaked wetly under her weight.

The beam of light swept over the walls, revealing peeling, faded wallpaper, and lathing strips poking through the plaster like the ribs of a starving man. A nearby door hung drunkenly from one hinge. Jennifer slowly walked further into the room, nerves stretched taut.

Glass crunched underfoot, causing her to start. She paused to catch her breath. The sound of a blade being sharpened reached her ears. It seemed to be coming from the next room. She cocked the hammer back on the USP, and carefully slipped passed the door.

The dancing light revealed a grandfather clock in a far corner, a cold fireplace, rodent chewed chaise lounges across from the cold hearth, and a pair of antique rocking chairs on either side of a sagging bookcase with moldy books. She stepped closer, and heard a music box tinkling softly. She moved the light around, but couldn’t find it.

A baby began to cry further in. Her heart dropped like a stone in her chest as it became the sound of a young child shrieking in terror. The beam of light shot around the area in jerky motions as she frantically looked for the source. The child’s voice morphed into the screams of a young woman.

Jennifer raced into a hallway and up a rickety set of stairs when the screams became the voice of an old man gasping for air. At the landing, a door slammed shut with a horrific boom, cutting off the noises. She whipped the gun around, biting back a gasp of fear. Her stomach was hard as a rock. She slowly headed down the short hallway, trying the differing doors. Each was locked.

“Danni?” She whispered.

Near the end of the corridor, she spotted a dusty mirror. She brushed away some of the dust, and glanced at her reflection. A pallid, and sweaty countenance stared back at her. She took a deep breath. ‘Get a hold of yourself, girl.’ She took another breath, closing her eyes. A stealthy sound from behind her made her eyes open wide.

A shadowy figure slipped down from the ceiling. As if it realized it was being watched, it looked into the mirror. A black-haired, pale-faced man with black circles under his eyes stared at Jennifer. His eyes flew open and his mouth opened. A horrible rasping sound came from him. It sounded like he was being choked under water.

The noise galvanized Jennifer into movement. She whirled, screaming. The USP thundered three times, tearing apart the darkness with flashes of lightning as she fell to the floor. The dropped flashlight rolled on the floor, illuminating the hallway.

It showed… nothing. The hall was empty except for her dusty footprints.

“Remember, Utsukushī*, trigger discipline is the second most important thing to remember when handling a gun.”



Know Me Better, pt 2

If you’re interested in pt 1, it is here.


6: Do you wish to travel a lot?

Wish to? No. Want to? That depends on your definition of a lot. I’d be okay with a few times during the year.
7: Did you participate in any sports while in school?

Yes. I was in track (50m, 100m, and the 400m), and I was Shortstop for the baseball team.
8: Have you ever given blood?

No. I take part in pharmaceutical research studies. The first rule of that is I’m not allow to give blood.
9: Do you like the way that you grew up?

Considering how ugly it was? No.


10: What is your favorite physical feature of the sex you’re attracted to?

A woman’s eyes. Intelligence, which is what I’m most attracted to, shows clearly in someone’s eyes. So, while other features may grab my attention at first, the eyes are what keep it.

Jennifer Steel, Agent of the F.S.I.A. (Chapter 3)

Rob grunted and rolled off the surgical table. The sudden movement made him light headed. A short woman, dressed in blue scrubs, her blonde hair partially out of the disposable cap, caught and steadied him. “Be careful, Rob. You shouldn’t even be getting up yet.”

“I’m fine, Director. You know I always rebound quickly.”

“Yes, but you’ve never had nanobots implanted into you with a nano-sized factory either.”

“Fair point.” He stretched and was relieved to not grow dizzy again. “So, what will these do for me again?”

The Director looked out the observation window. “Mr. Stevenson? Would you remind Mr. Worthington of the nanobots’ capabilities?”

The curly-haired tech nodded. “Yes ma’am.” He beckoned for the pair to exit the operating room. Rob pushed one of the big lamps up on its gimbal, and walked through the door. As the Director and her patient removed their scrubs, and gown, Stevenson started the computer simulation.

Know Me Better pt 1

I’ve done a couple of these before, but it’s been a while. So, that’s why this one is called pt 1. Well, that, and because it’s part of a series. If figured it would be fun to share with y’all, and to let you take a peek into the dark, twisted corridors of my mind. Some of the originally appeared on tumblr, but I don’t remember where I saw them. If you know the source, post a link in the comments, and I’ll update this to cite them.


1: What is your name and does it mean anything?

Robert. It means “Famous.” Obviously, I’m not there, but soon (I hope).
2: How long have you known your best friend?

I’ll  have known her two years, August 23.
3: What position do you normally sleep in?

The buff. 😉
4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school?

A clique? Oh, no. I was an outsider in school. I always had my nose stuck in a book, and was seen as weird by the other kids. Of course, I didn’t help my case when I was attracted to a girl, and tried to pretend to be suave, and cool. Looking back, I was actually kind of creepy. Yeesh.
5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why?

That would be my science teacher, Ms Davis. That was because I thought she was attractive, and even better, she made science fun. It helped that she taught me how to make my own fireworks, too. 😀