Tag Archives: domestic abuse

What The Fuck Is Wrong With Americans?

Straight off the jump: I am American, born & raised in Baltimore, Maryland. That’s irrelevant to my rant, but just in case some genius takes offense to my title, and gets his panties in a twist, it’s there. I can, and intend to rant about my fellow citizens.

Ray Rice. Number 27. Running Back. Ranked as the Ravens’ second all-time leading rusher behind Jamal Lewis (7,801) with 5,940 yards, and also second in attempts (1,273). He is ranked second all-time for rushing touchdowns (37) and third for combined touchdowns (43) in Ravens history. Woman beater. Suspended for the first two games of the 2014 season. Convicted of 3rd degree assault. Possible jail term of 3-5 years, and a fine of up to $15,000.

Public outcry, and backlash? Nil.

Michael Vick. Number 7. Quarter Back. In 2006, Vick became the first quarterback to ever rush for over 1,000 yards in a single season.[25] He also set a record by rushing for 8.4 yards per carry. Vick and teammate running back Warrick Dunn became the first quarterback-running back duo to each surpass 1,000 rushing yards in a single season. Dog fighting ring operator. Sentenced to serve 23 months in federal prison, transported to Virginia in November 2008 to face state charges. Received a 3-year prison sentence suspended on condition of good behavior, and a $2,500 fine.

Public outcry and backlash? Protests outside of the courthouse, and his home. Nationwide rants about how he was a horrible person, and should be buried under the jail. Loss of endorsement deals. Threats against his life. Just to name a few.

So, the media, the courts and the rest of the nation thinks that dogs are more important than women. Let that sink in, and percolate for a moment.

But, is that really a surprise? Look at the recent Supreme Court Hobby Lobby ruling. A business was deemed more important than women. Hell, a scary thing about that? There were some women cheering that ruling, too. Seriously.

I really don’t get this. I’m going to wax poetic a bit here: As a straight male, I love women. They are wonderfully fascinating. They are endlessly inventive, intelligent as hell. They are wise, kind, loving, warm and caring. They are also strong as hell. And, then there’s the other appealing aspects of them: They’re beautiful with soft skin, curvy bodies, and delightful… well, never mind. I’m a huge fan of women, is what I’m getting at.

I honestly am confused by how our nation insists on marginalizing, and oppressing them. I get that they do, I see it everywhere. But, I want to know why? Why insist that half of our species is unimportant, and lower than animals?! Why say to them (and brainwash some of them into saying), “Bronze Age superstition is more important than you?”

Does anyone even know? If not, why do it? Oh, and before commenters jump in with other countries, or “not all of us,” let me put it like this: Where is your protest about how lightly Ray Rice got off? Where is your on-air rant about Hobby Lobby? Where’s your service in a domestic violence shelter? Or anything of that nature?

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Self Loathing

Is there anything more devastating to deal with? It’s bad when it’s a normal, day-to-day thing. It is worse still when it’s due to being in an abusive relationship. I mean, you hear from someone who is supposed to love you tell you how much you suck when you mess up – even if it’s in their eyes only -, you start to believe it. And then, if you’re lucky, you have other loved ones pointing out what the abuser is doing to you, and asking, “How can you not see this is bad?”

 

Hmm. First the person you are in love with is calling you dumb for screwing something up, then someone¬†else is inadvertently doing the same thing by asking how can you not see the abuse. ¬†Is it any wonder you begin to hate yourself, if you didn’t before you got into the abusive relationship to begin with?

 

My ex, Christine (who you may have read about before) had a particularly wonderful refrain: “Why the fuck do I continue to put up with your stupidity, Robert? I must be some kind of masochist, but damnit, I see so much potential in you, if you’d just do what the hell you’re told.” To which I could only hang my head in shame, and apologize. One of the toughest things about being in that situation was the knowledge I was completely alone. Folks readily recognize that males abuse females, but the opposite is not so true. If a guy hits a woman, he’s the lowest for of scum on earth that needs his nuts ripped off, be burned alive, ect. If a woman hits a guy, well, he must have done something wrong, or he deserved it in some fashion. I told one person what happened to me, the reason why I was in the hospital. I was asked if I had cheated on my girlfriend, or something stupid like that. I think due to that verbal slap, I ended up staying with Christine another fourteen months. It took catching her in the act of cheating on me, on our wedding day, to get me to leave.

 

So, back to the self loathing aspect. When I regained my freedom, the amount of self hatred I had prevented me from really having a normal relationship for years. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I didn’t realize I was sabotaging myself, though. I met a wonderful woman named Victoria about six months after I left Christine. When the poor lady would try to compliment me, or tell me I was a good person, I couldn’t and didn’t, believe it. I had a little voice in my head (that sounded an awful lot like Christine) telling me how worthless I was, and that I was a terrible person. I was also telling myself there was no way I could be loved because of how messed up I was. I eventually drove Victoria away. Fortunately, it was to a man who treated her the right way.

 

I still find it hard to articulate the hatred I have for myself, if you haven’t noticed. How do you put into words how worthless you feel, and how stupid you must have been to allow yourself to end up in a situation where someone is allowed to beat you with things like golf clubs, baseball bats, cast iron skillets, ect? How can you not see while you’re in there how bad it is? Simple. They tell you each time they love you. They only want what’s best for you. And, it wouldn’t happen if you didn’t make them do it to you. Did I really deserve those things that were done to me? Most days, the answer is, “No.” Other days, though…

 

A Fecked Up Situation

In my early 20’s I was involved with a tiny woman named Christine. The relationship lasted for a few years. Not that it was a happy one, but because I was afraid to leave. She used to kick my ass on the regular. Hands, baseball bats, golf club, tennis racket, paddles, ladding strips, ect. I finally left when I caught her banging the guy she named as my best man on the preacher’s deck in the church, on our wedding day. Fortunately, it was before the ceremony. While chatting with a friend in a similar situation, who is finding it hard to leave, I had a bit of a realization. I said the following to him.

“Things would be so much easier if our abusers didn’t know what buttons to push to keep us in place, wouldn’t they? It sucks that we are so easily manipulated. What makes it worse? We castigate ourselves mercilessly when we realize that were. Now that’s the real diabolical scheme. They don’t constantly abuse us because of two things: 1) We’d find leaving a hell of a lot easier, and 2) They don’t have to. We do a much better job of it.
Abusers are masters of psychological warfare without being trained in it. They wait until we build ourselves up enough to where we are ready to leave, then they bring on the sweetness, kindness, and other things that made us fall for them in the first place. This causes us to question ourselves, to doubt reality, and make us wonder if we are even sane. When we are nearly over it, BOOM!, the abuse resumes. And then the castigation begins again.
Another fucked up thing about it? We question if we don’t deserve it. Surely we bring it on ourselves. We push them to yell, scream, blame, hit, etc., us. If we were better, they would never treat us this way.

Now is the time to ask yourself these questions:
1. Why do I deserve to be treated this way?
2. What makes me a terrible person?
3. Why do I think this is okay?
4. Why is it important that it be my fault?
5. Is it really okay for me to go through this?
6. Why?
7. Is this really who I am?
8. Do I want this for my children?
9. If it is okay for me to be treated this way, why don’t I want my kids to be?

The reason the “yourself” at the beginning is stressed is because I want you to just go based on you. Don’t worry about what anyone else this. They are unimportant for this exercise. Once you have the right answers to those questions, then you will know what to do. What are the right answers, you ask? You know. Yes, you do. In your heart.”

If you, or a loved one is in a similar situation, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.