Tag Archives: Jesus Christ

A Conversation Between Carter Blake & Lucas Rumpff

I wonder how much hate this is gonna net me? Not too much I hope. It’s a work of fiction, after all. Oh well.

“Have you heard of Jesus Christ?” He slapped his forehead. “Of course you have. What am I thinking?” He gave me a wry smile. “Anyway, I’m directly descended from Him.” Lucas nodded. “Yep. That’s where I get my abilities from.”

I narrowed my eyes. “How can one alleged to be so pure spawn one such as you?”

“That’s the key word, isn’t it? Alleged. You see, just like any other demigod, Jesus wasn’t predisposed to good, or evil. Hell, he was a huge disappointment to his father.” He laughed at my quirked eyebrow. “Yeah, Yahweh wasn’t too pleased with the way His Son was preaching about love, peace, and tolerance. What? You think in thirty-three years, a deity would cease being a douche? Fuck no. As a matter of fact, Jesus was supposed to be more like his older brother, Moses.”

“Wait a minute.” I rubbed the back of my head. “I though Moses was supposed to have lived long before Jesus.”

“He did. Mary of the House of David wasn’t the only mortal Yahweh knocked up. He also fathered Moses and a few others. Yahweh impregnated mortal women for both sport, and for prophets. Seems he was more like Zeus than he would have admitted.” Lucas chortled.

“So, if Jesus wasn’t supposed to be teaching the whole peace love and hugs spiel, what was He supposed to preach?” I said.

“This is rich. He was supposed to be scaring folks straight. Kind of like Moses tried before the Exodus. He did a pretty good job of it, too. Earned Himself a gorgeous redhead of a wife. You may have heard of her. Mary Magdalene?”

“Yeah. The one Christians largely condemn as a whore.”

“Paul was a dick for that. But, jealousy does weird things to people. The real downfall of Jesus came when he met Judas.”

I remembered this tale from when I went to Sunday school. “He betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver.”

Lucas shook his head. “Nope. That’s Mary Magdalene’s lie.”

That knocked me for a loop. “What?”

“She framed Judas.”

“Why the hell would she do that? Wait, wouldn’t that also mean she betrayed Jesus?” He nodded. “Why would she do that?”

“As I said: ‘Jealousy does weird things to people.’”

“Why was she jealous of Judas?”

“Her husband forsook her for him. Soon after Jesus met Judas, they fell in love.”

“Wait. You’re telling me Jesus was gay?”

“Bisexual, actually. He fathered two children with Mary. And, He did love her. Judas just captured His heart.”

“Let me guess,” I said. “Judas got Jesus to preach the peace, love, and tolerance.”

“Very good, Carter.”

I rolled my eyes so hard, I nearly knocked myself out. As it was, I got a killer headache. “As fascinating as all this is, what the hell does it have to do with us?”