Self Loathing

Is there anything more devastating to deal with? It’s bad when it’s a normal, day-to-day thing. It is worse still when it’s due to being in an abusive relationship. I mean, you hear from someone who is supposed to love you tell you how much you suck when you mess up – even if it’s in their eyes only -, you start to believe it. And then, if you’re lucky, you have other loved ones pointing out what the abuser is doing to you, and asking, “How can you not see this is bad?”

 

Hmm. First the person you are in love with is calling you dumb for screwing something up, then someone else is inadvertently doing the same thing by asking how can you not see the abuse.  Is it any wonder you begin to hate yourself, if you didn’t before you got into the abusive relationship to begin with?

 

My ex, Christine (who you may have read about before) had a particularly wonderful refrain: “Why the fuck do I continue to put up with your stupidity, Robert? I must be some kind of masochist, but damnit, I see so much potential in you, if you’d just do what the hell you’re told.” To which I could only hang my head in shame, and apologize. One of the toughest things about being in that situation was the knowledge I was completely alone. Folks readily recognize that males abuse females, but the opposite is not so true. If a guy hits a woman, he’s the lowest for of scum on earth that needs his nuts ripped off, be burned alive, ect. If a woman hits a guy, well, he must have done something wrong, or he deserved it in some fashion. I told one person what happened to me, the reason why I was in the hospital. I was asked if I had cheated on my girlfriend, or something stupid like that. I think due to that verbal slap, I ended up staying with Christine another fourteen months. It took catching her in the act of cheating on me, on our wedding day, to get me to leave.

 

So, back to the self loathing aspect. When I regained my freedom, the amount of self hatred I had prevented me from really having a normal relationship for years. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I didn’t realize I was sabotaging myself, though. I met a wonderful woman named Victoria about six months after I left Christine. When the poor lady would try to compliment me, or tell me I was a good person, I couldn’t and didn’t, believe it. I had a little voice in my head (that sounded an awful lot like Christine) telling me how worthless I was, and that I was a terrible person. I was also telling myself there was no way I could be loved because of how messed up I was. I eventually drove Victoria away. Fortunately, it was to a man who treated her the right way.

 

I still find it hard to articulate the hatred I have for myself, if you haven’t noticed. How do you put into words how worthless you feel, and how stupid you must have been to allow yourself to end up in a situation where someone is allowed to beat you with things like golf clubs, baseball bats, cast iron skillets, ect? How can you not see while you’re in there how bad it is? Simple. They tell you each time they love you. They only want what’s best for you. And, it wouldn’t happen if you didn’t make them do it to you. Did I really deserve those things that were done to me? Most days, the answer is, “No.” Other days, though…

 

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Flashback

Last night, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is in an abusive relationship. I, too, was in one. This friend – my best friend, by the way – mentioned something their abuser did that caused me to flashback to some events from my relationship with my abuser.  You may remember the name Christine if you’re a long time reader. If not, here is something I shared on another website, in the comments section.

During the 1999 to 2002, I was in a bad relationship. Domestic violence kind of bad. If you were to look at the two of us, and heard ours was a dv relationship, you’d swear I was the victimizer: I was a Navy man, she was a bartender. I was 6′, 220 lbs of solid muscle. She was 5′, 95 lbs of waif. I didn’t stand a feckin’ chance. I’m going to tell you about the first – and only – time I heard that I was a victim, and needed to get out.

Christine and I had a little game we’d play every weekend where I’d ask what she wanted for breakfast, she’d say eggs Benedict, and I’d give her scrambled. We both knew from the early days of the relationship I had no idea what eggs Benedict were, much less how to make them. This particular sunny Saturday afternoon, the radio was on KOGO AM, and the Padres were warming up.

She came into the kitchen wearing one of my work black shirts, and a smile. I wore jeans and a white t-shirt. I kissed her in greeting (I was up about 30 minutes prior to her), and pulled the eggs from the fridge. We did our little routine, and I served her her hot scrambled eggs and bacon. I slapped bacon into the skillet for myself, and started to whip up an omelet for myself. I heard a skillet scraping across the counter top – if you’ve ever owned a cast iron skillet, you know the sound I’m referring to – and, I think I started to turn to see what she was up to. I still don’t know. What I do know is I was suddenly looking under the stove at some dust bunnies. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I was on the floor.

Christine ordered me to get up in this scary flat way she had that informed me I had screwed up again. I tried for several minutes to do so, but it was like my body wasn’t connected to me anymore. After a few sharp kicks in the ribs, which I barely noticed, I was able to pull myself to my feet by holding onto the oven door. I looked at the red-haired beauty in front of me, and did not know her name. Before I could say anything, I felt wetness rolling down the back of my neck. “Oh, I must have just gotten out of the shower and forgot to dry my hair,” I remember thinking, and I went to push some of the water out with my hand. Instead, I found a spongy mass on the back of my skull, and a handful of blood. I woke in the hospital a few hours later. Cracked the back of my skull.

The doc said it was a wonder I was still alive. That part of my cranium was fractured like an eggshell. Funny, huh? He asked me what happened, and I said to ask Christine. She said I fell. He asked her to step outside, and repeated his question. I said what she did. I knew better than to contradict her. Doc said it was bs because I had a mark on the side of my face from a maybe fall, but this was the back of my skull. He then told me I should contact a shelter and leave her. He said that she was abusing me. I got mad at him, then myself, then Christine, and then I cried. I did not, however, veer from the story of me falling.

 

Rob Meet Robby III

Dearest Baby Girl.
Seriously? That’s how you’re going to start?
 
What do you mean? I always call her Baby Girl.
And that’s the problem. She’s used to it, lunkhead. Use your imagination to wow her.
 
Keeper of My Heart.
 
What the fuck are you smoking, man? That’s not how you romance a woman!
 
But she does hold my heart.
Yeah, but “Keeper of My Heart” sounds wrong. Creepy even. Try again.
 
My Darling Rishka.
 
Better, but don’t you call her that pretty often?
 
Yes. So?
So, stretch a little further. Ooh! I know! Go with Gaelic. She loves Ireland, right?
 
Love it? She hasn’t said so. She just wants to visit.
The Land of Unicorns? Trust me: She loves the place.
 
Grádhág
 
What’s that?
 
Gaelic for “Beloved.”
I think she’ll like that.  What’s next?
 
I want to tell her what she means to me.
Good plan. Go for it.
 
Grádhág,
     There is a woman who makes my heart go pit-a-pat.
Hold it!
 
What?
You did that one before. Snakry pointed it out, too. Also, don’t use, “Little did I know that back in the summer there would be a day that would change my life forever.” Two reasons: you did it before, and it’s summer now. We’ll rule out, “There is a lady who makes my heart sing.” as well. Did that one, too.
 
Alright. Let’s try this:
Grádhág,
 
I love so much about you. I love the way you laugh. I love the way you make me feel giddy inside with just your smile.  I am so in love with you that not a minute goes by without the thought of you passing through my mind. While I know it’s not possible, I long to spend all of my time in your arms.

You have turned me into myself by helping me discover who I truly am inside, which is something that no one before you has done. I’ve always felt changed with others and with you I am me. You have allowed me to open my heart, without fear, hurt, or anguish. You have allowed me to trust again, both in love and in life. You have allowed me to smile and be happy. You have allowed me to laugh and enjoy the simple moments. And for these reasons, I love you. I will forever cherish our moments and memories and look forward to the many more than will come out way.

 
I Love You.

It may sound like a simple I Love You, but it’s so much more than that.

I love every little thing about you —

I love your sexy smile. I love your gorgeous hazel eyes that melt my soul. When I look into them, I see magic, comfort, and love. I love your gentle touch and the warmth I feel in your arms. I love thinking about you and dreaming about you. I love discovering ourselves together. I love the intimacy with you and letting go with you. I love each and every moment and memory we share, for they are all once-in-a-lifetime moments.

I Love You.

Today, tomorrow, and forever, Le mo ghrása mise agus liomsa mo ghrá (I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine).
Love forever, and always yours,
-Rob

 

Jennifer Steel, Agent of the F.S.I.A. (raw excerpt)

Drake watched as Rob paced the empty, dusty kitchen. His head went to the left as he attempted to make sense of the way the other man waved his hands in the air. Rob stopped and crouched near the counter with the sink.

“She stood here,” he muttered. “Who is she?” The Chronomancer rose, and motioned as if he were tracing the outline of someone’s body. “Not a Key. Is that why I cannot see her as yet?” He stalked over to the dust laden table. “He leaned here. He seems to be a Key. Hmm.” Rob placed his left hand to his chin and upper lip. His elbow rested on his right wrist as he stared at the table. His head tilted to the right and he pinched his lower lips between his thumb and index finger as he thought. “Why can’t I see them?”

Drake shifted his feet, trying to bring feeling back to them. His movement caused Rob to look his way. His head came down and he stroked his forehead with his hand. “What am I missing, Drake?”

The larger man shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s a shame we weren’t here sooner.”

Rob straightened, and snapped his fingers. “Brilliant, old boy!” He raised both hands to the air and made odd gestures. He seemed to be patting the air.

Drake moved to the doorway, and leaned against it. His right ankle crossed over his left as he folded his arms to watch the weirdness. Rob moved around the room, patting here and there in the air. He next seemed to be tugging on something the werewolf couldn’t see. He took a few snuffling breaths. He shook his head. ‘There’s nothing here except me and him. What the hell is this fool doing?’

Rob’s eyes opened. Drake straightened, mouth agape. ‘His fucking eyes are glowing and rainbow colored! What the fuck?

 

 

An Open Letter To the Woman of My Dreams

 I want you to know that since the day we met I’ve fallen deeply in love with you. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel in my heart that you came into my life, and how you make every day so special. You are my life, my heart, my soul.

 

You are my best friend, my one true love, my one and only. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do today.

 

Loving you is the only thing that makes life worth living. Day by day, my love for you becomes overwhelming, and I can’t handle it when I don’t see or even talk to you every day.

 

        A day without you in my life is like a day without sunshine, a day without food, or a day without air. I need you when I’m cold to keep me warm; I need you in the rain to keep me dry; I need you in my life to keep me happy. You make me feel wonderful. You give me strength when I just can’t carry on and I truly treasure that. Every moment spent together is another one of my dreams coming true.

 

 

       You are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. Each moment that you and I spend together is so magical that I catch myself smiling for no reason at all.        I thought that I would never find a love that is as strong as ours, but now that we’ve found each other I know that you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person I want to marry, the person I want to have babies with, and the person I want to grow old with.

Baby Girl, you complete me. You make my life so amazing and I don’t know how else to repay you but to love you just as much as you love me. The world is a better place to be because of you.

       Thank you for giving me so much more than I ever could have wanted. I am so thankful for what we have, and for everything we will have. You are the only woman I ever want to share my life with. I could never imagine what it would be like if we were to lose each other. I don’t even want to think about it. All I want to think of is you. You are the love of my life. I love you, and I always will until the day I die. Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still have you by my side and yours will be the last face that I see.

When we’re older with a family and home of our own, I want us to be able to look back with joy at all we accomplished together. I believe with you at my side, this will indeed be true. I want you to know that I’m thankful that you came into my life and I will love you till the end of my days. My love for you will never fade, I’m still crazy about you, Rishka.

 

Love forever, and always yours,

-Rob