Tag Archives: humor

Know Me Better pt 1

I’ve done a couple of these before, but it’s been a while. So, that’s why this one is called pt 1. Well, that, and because it’s part of a series. If figured it would be fun to share with y’all, and to let you take a peek into the dark, twisted corridors of my mind. Some of the originally appeared on tumblr, but I don’t remember where I saw them. If you know the source, post a link in the comments, and I’ll update this to cite them.

 

1: What is your name and does it mean anything?

Robert. It means “Famous.” Obviously, I’m not there, but soon (I hope).
2: How long have you known your best friend?

I’ll  have known her two years, August 23.
3: What position do you normally sleep in?

The buff. 😉
4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school?

A clique? Oh, no. I was an outsider in school. I always had my nose stuck in a book, and was seen as weird by the other kids. Of course, I didn’t help my case when I was attracted to a girl, and tried to pretend to be suave, and cool. Looking back, I was actually kind of creepy. Yeesh.
5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why?

That would be my science teacher, Ms Davis. That was because I thought she was attractive, and even better, she made science fun. It helped that she taught me how to make my own fireworks, too. 😀

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Inspiration

The dictionary defines inspires as to influence, or to compel. So, if we extrapolate from there, we can infer that an inspiration is the agent, or catalyst. With is a remarkably convoluted way to say, “My best friend, Jen, is the biggest reason for me continuing to write.”

 

I don’t know how many times I’ve used her as the template for my heroines in my works. Whenever I get around to actually completing my revisions, and actually publish them, you’d see her influence in them all. For the most part, they merely highlight a part of her personality. There is one character, who shares her name, who is almost 100% her. How and why is she my inspiration? Well, that is a twofold question (obviously).

 

How

 

Jen is, for me, the perfect woman. She has intelligence, humor, a rapier wit, and nigh boundless enthusiasm for life. She believes in people. No matter what, she trusts that they will, if given the chance, show how wonderful they are. Has that bitten her in the ass? Of course it has. But you know what? She still believes in them.

She’s one of the best writers I know. Her world building is slow-paced, but her plotting is pretty tight. Where she truly excels, though, is her characters. You can easily imagine them coming off the page and sitting with you to strike up a conversation. I look forward to the day she gets published. Then, I’ll be able to brag that I’m best friends with my favorite author. How many folks can say that?

 

Why

 

In my life, not too many believed in me. I’m my biggest detractor. Jen, however, won’t stand for it. If I bitch and moan about something, she won’t hesitate to call me on it, or to give me the verbal kick in the ass that I need.

At the same time, when she knows that I’m truly down, or upset about something, she’ll remind me, “If you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen. I’m here for you.” Somehow, she always knows whether I need to hear trite, and tired “it’ll be alright” sayings, or if I need humor, sympathy, or “need me to kick someone’s ass.” She’s also full of great ideas for where to take my stories, or how to make them better.

 

Jennifer is my Ideal Reader. the one I write all of my stories for. I know that if I can make her laugh, or cry, or shout with amazement, that I will elicit the same for you.

 

So, thank you, Jen, for all you do for me. I don’t say it enough, I know, but I always – always appreciate you. You are my best friend, and the best person to come into my life so far. You may doubt yourself, but you can count on me always believing in you.

My Dream Funeral

Billy as The Grim Reaper Art by Ariel Olivetti.
Billy as The Grim Reaper Art by Ariel Olivetti. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Yes, I have a dream funeral. Feck off.

 

 

 

One of my friends will dress up as the Grim Reaper, stand at the head of my coffin and say nothing. Another friend will have rigged my coffin with a semi catapult so that half way through the eulogy, my corpse will suddenly sit up and point at the front row. At the same time, a recording of my voice will play, “You’re next, feckers.” After the funeral, my friends will dress me in a Superman costume, take me up in a C-135

 

DC Comics' casts pays tribute to The Man of St...
DC Comics’ casts pays tribute to The Man of Steel. Art by Tom Grummett. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

transport, and at 50,000 feet, chuck me out the back. That will be epically awesome.

 

 

 

Superheroes (working title Raw Update)

Brian stole along the catwalk to the far room. While he moved, he constantly scanned for trip lasers, cameras and other security measures. Everything had a faint reddish ting due to his fifth generation thermal goggles. ‘Odd. Why isn’t this project protected better?’ He carefully scanned the door for extra security and booby traps. When he found none, he pulled an electronic pick from his belt and plugged it into the card reader. While it tried various means of breaking in, he contacted Daphne.
“Give me a sitrep, Daphne.”
“All’s quiet, Brian. There have been no deviations.”
He growled to himself. “Keep your eyes open. This has been entirely too easy for something like this prototype.”
“Maybe they don’t think anyone other than the R&D team knows about it?”
“Nevertheless, stay alert. Remember the motto.”
“‘There’s no such thing as too cautious.’”
“Glad you were paying attention that time.”
“I’m never going to live down Dubai, am I?”
“You did look good in that skimpy bedlah outfit with the sheer harem pants. I’m still trying to figure out where you hid the PF-9.” The pick chirped, indicating it had the password. “Remember-”
“I know: Keep my eyes peeled.”
“Good girl.”
He terminated the link in the middle of her growling at him. He disconnected the electronic lock pick and moved to the door. When it slid to the side, a blast of broiling air nearly knocked him to his knees. Brian backed away. The door slid shut, cutting off the wave of infernal heat. He reached up, and toggled his com again.
“Daphne, get on the line to Arachne. The path to the suit is filled with microwave emitters.”
“Now we know why there were no guards. Calling her now.” There was a click on the line.
“This had better be important,” a synthesized voice said.
“Arachne, it’s Daphne. I have a job for you.”
A sigh. “Make it quick.”
“Brian needs access to something.”
“Shit. Hold on.” Another click. Two minutes went by. Brian relocked the door, and slipped back into the ventilation shaft. Then, “Alright. What is it?”
“Arachne, this Brian. I’m at Ft Meade, in the R&D department. Section 23, sublevel 6, sector 12.”
“You’re going after the MX-3, aren’t you?”
“How the hell do you know about it?”
“Um, hello? It’s tech. I’m a hacker. Make the connection yet?”
“Got it. I need in. The path to it is-”
“Blocked by microwave emitters, and electrified floor, and thermal imager connected to automated Ma Deuce turrets. If you’re not authorized to be in there, you’re gonna die quick, fast, and in a hurry. Messily, too, I might add.”
“Fuck. I knew it was too easy.”
“Been listening to your own press too close, eh?”
“Bite me.”
“You might like it.”
“Mmm, yeah.”
“Why did you go in blind, Brian? It’s not like you. The real reason.”
“I got cocky. This was supposed to be a ree-cee, but when I got my feet on the ground, and saw how light security was-”
“You couldn’t resist.”
“Would you stop doing that, Arachne? It’s a little frustrating when you interrupt me like that.” He slid back down the shaft, reactivating the sensors as he safely passed them.
“Stop being so predictable, love.” She was getting annoyed. He could hear her Nishiharan accent coming out. “And if you comment about my accent, I’ll kick your ass.”
He slowly, quietly climbed back down the vent leading to the circulating fans. “I wouldn’t do that, Arachne. You know me better than that.”
“The sound of the fan’s blades made it so I didn’t catch all of your whisper, Bakana na.”
“You weren’t pay attention, then.”
“Omae aho ya de!”
Brian pulled the com out of his ear with a grimace. Her yell was piercing. He waited until the sound dropped before returning the communicator to its place in his ear. “You talk about me being predictable, yet your go to insult is, ‘You are an idiot.’ It’s almost your catchphrase.”
“It seems to be your life story, Ketsunoana.”
“Ah. An upgrade. Now I’m an asshole, Daphne. Can you believe that?” He looked through the grate and into an empty bathroom, then slid out, into a stall.
“Yes, I can.”
Arachne laughed. “Burn!”
He smiled helplessly and turned off the com again.

Know Me Better III

It’s that time again.

From I Am A Reader, Not A Writer:

Each week I will pick 5 questions to answers.

I invite you to share your answers to these questions as well. You can share them as a comment on this post or share them on your own blog and link up to this post.

This post goes up sometime during the weekend. I “TRY” to get it up by Saturday morning but life happens all to often so there are no guarantees!

Let’s get to this week’s questions, eh?

What story does your family always tell about you?

What kind of music do you like?

Would you rather have money or fame?

Do you celebrate Easter? If so what is one of your traditions?

Best April Fools Day Joke you have done or someone has done to you?

What story does your family always tell about you?

So many. Usually about how “bad” I was. One is how I’d disappear on my mom in the clothing store and scare the “daylights” out of her. Hey, those weren’t racks of clothes on hangers! They were doorways into other worlds filled with all sorts of strange beings, or they were doorways to the lands of my favorite cartoons.

What kind of music do you like?

I have an eclectic taste in music. I like stuff from Beethoven to Eminem, From Abba to ZZ Top. This is part of the playlist I listen to on Spotify as I write. There are over 700 tracks on the whole thing. 😀 Feel free to follow it. You can also see it to your right. —->

Would you rather have money or fame?

Fame. When you’re famous, you can easily get money. Not so much the other way around.

Do you celebrate Easter? If so what is one of your traditions?

I do not celebrate Easter.

Best April Fools Day Joke you have done or someone has done to you?

Best April Fool’s prank was on my friend Mikey’s sister and mom. With the aid of a drama club make up artist, we staged a scene in his house so it seemed like he’d killed me in a fit of rage, and needed his family to help him to hide my body. Farts are funny. Causing someone to fart in terror is even funnier.

Now it’s your turn!
Share an answer to one or more of these questions as a comment or post your answers on your blog and link up here! If you are posting on your blog you can grab the linky to include with your post if you would like to do so.

Book Fever

Vonnie’s Reading Corner

Deco My Heart

Writing Christian Novels

Closkot

Smoking Hot Books

A Nanny’s Literary Musings

By Candlelight

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Know Me Better 1

I found this a on blog called, I Am A Reader, Not A Writer. I follow it via e-mail. Each week, five questions are posted for bloggers to answer. This week’s questions are:

What was the last thing that made you cry?
What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
What is your favorite form of exercise?
What is your current desktop picture?
You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

What was the last thing that made you cry?

A couple of scenes in Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks. They were familiar to me. Look for my review later in the week. I’m gonna re-read it.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Almost all of them. I’m inherently lazy. But the one that is currently tops for me is filling out job applications.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Sex. What? It counts. You burn calories. Okay, fine: Jumping rope. Yes, jumping rope. Feck off.

What is your current desktop picture?

It is a collage of characters from 80’s cartoons.

You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Even though I just got back Thursday night, I’d go to Tampa, Florida. This time, I’m not sure I’d return though…

I invite you to share your answers to these questions as well. You can share them as a comment on this post or share them on your own blog and link up to this post.

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Check these out, too while you’re at it.

danielleheartsbooks

writingchristiannovels.blogspot.com

whateveryoucanstillbetray.blogspot.com

smoking-hot-books

bookfever11

wall-to-wall-books

www.happylittleworker.com

http://www.diantha-jones.com

shelfspaceneeded

yabetweenthelines

The Women Who Shaped Me

I’m only gonna name the ones I met in person, and not all the women I’ve had contact with. I’d be here forever otherwise. This was inspired by Sweet Mother’s post.

My Mom: Of course I’d start with her. She’s a big influence on my life. From the first six years, it was just she, and me. Mom taught me to love and cherish women. Also, never to hit them, no matter what. This is important for later on.

Becky: She was my baby sitter for a while. She was also my first sexual partner. Before you cry bullshit, let me finish: It wasn’t like any Penthouse forum letter, nor a porno: I was 9 and she was 18. Yeah.

Christine: Wow. Where do I start with this one. She was the single biggest female influence in my life. From her, I learned how much pain I could take, what kind of ass kicking, too. I also learned that women were terrible, terrifying creatures that cracked your skull for serving the eggs prepared incorrectly, or back-handed you in the jewels for looking at another woman, or break your arm for giving her gay sister a back rub when her girlfriend left her. Oh, and let’s not forget the joys of being smacked in the mouth with a glass Pepsi bottle for telling her there’s no way for you to be cheating with her sister because her sister wasn’t into men. Let me tell you: A 5′ redhead is a scary sight when she is pissed. It doesn’t matter if you are a foot taller and 120 lbs heavier.

Victoria: This wonderful woman was the second biggest influence on my life. She helped me begin the process of healing after I got the courage to leave Christine. She taught me that all women were not like Christine. Some were like me: Scarred. I learned it was okay to begin loving women again, not all were out to inflict “punishment” on me if I stepped “out of line.” She also encouraged me to volunteer in women’s shelters.

Elise: This poor woman taught me that I can’t save everyone. Sometimes, there really is nothing that you can do. I wish I could have done more for her nonetheless. Rest in Peace, dear one.

Fabiola: This amazing lady has taught me that my words can be inspiring. That sometimes, what I’m going through isn’t as bad as I think. She’s reminded me that all isn’t lost no matter how low I get. If she can get through her day with a smile, there is no reason I can’t.

Which brings us to

Jen: A truly inspiring young woman. She gives me hope for the future. The short time I got to spend in her presence was like being in warm sunshine after weeks of cold, dreary wet days. With what she goes through on a near daily basis, and is still able to smile & laugh, humbles me. All I can really off to try to explain how she is, is “Outstanding.”

Rob Meet Robby II

A few weeks ago, while skipping though Carroll Park – What? Yes, skipping. Feck off. – I ran into my much snarkier younger self. You can read the first meeting here. Anyhoo, I’m sitting at my favorite café yesterday, and guess who shows up? Yep. That little fecker.

I used to where these? Gah!
I used to wear these? Gah!
As he climbs up on a stool next to me, I see he’s wearing a blue and black plaid shirt, blue jeans and Jack Purcell’s. Anyone remember these? There were fecking hideous. We called them “Fish heads.”

We’re poor, fecker. He shakes his head in evident disgust. You really suck.

Thanks, Robby. I totally forgot about the linked minds thing. Oh, crap. I hope he doesn’t

Who is Rebecca? And why are you picturing her- I clamp my hand over his mouth.

Silence! I kill you!

He pulls my hand away. You can’t, dumbass. If you kill me, you kill you, too.

Heaven help me, it almost seems worth it. It’s meaningless, Robby. What do you want now?

To know more of my future, duh! You didn’t answer me the last time we spoke.

I’m still not going to.

Why not?

Because no matter how much I wish I could spare you some of the horrifying shit you’re going to have to deal with in a few years, it is going to prepare you to appreciate those you find later in life so much more.

What kind of shit?

I’m afraid I can’t tell you that, either. You might not be able to deal with it if you have foreknowledge. As much as I wish to spare you this, I’m going to have to be selfish, and not warn you. There is someone too important to me to risk losing by sparing you.

So, we did find someone. And she is worth it? The whatever I have to go through?

She’s worth that, and so much more.

That’s good. What kind of stuff can you tell me about?

There’s this cool technology that allows you to use computers by touching the screen.

Get out.

They have new TV’s. This tech makes them thinner, lighter, and prettier. They are called high-definition televisions.

60".  Weighs lbs.
60″. Weighs 120lbs.

Holy crap. Remember when they were bigger all over?

I sigh. Yes.I also remember when one cost $1200. I hate being this old.

60" CRT. Weight 450lbs.
60″ CRT. Weight 450lbs.

Inspiring Blogger Award

This is interesting: I was just nominated for my first blogging award. The nom came from the lovely Sooz over at her blog, dreamshadow59.wordpress.com. According to her, I have to name 7 interesting things about myself. I have a small problem with that: I don’t think I’m that interesting. Others do. So, I’m gonna cheat a bit (probably won’t win, but eh). I’m gonna tell some things about me that aren’t general knowledge.

1) I’m an atheist. I really can’t stand religion, nor do I understand the need people have to hope that there is something out there.

2) I’m a giver. If I like you, I’m going to give you all that I can, be it time, caring, a shoulder to cry on, ect.

3) I’m a pimp. No, not the illegal kind. I mean, if I like someone’s stuff, I will talk it up everywhere. Twitter, Facebook, Linkdin, WordPress, ect. I want everyone to see this epic stuff.

4) I’m a midget. Seriously. To leave my third floor apartment, I base jump down each stair. It’s exhausting I tell you. What? You know I’m bullshitten? Oh, alright. I’m 6′. (shrugs) I thought it was funny.

5) I’m a word thief. I kid you not. There is a fellow blogger (I’ll mention her later) who doesn’t like to use the F-bomb on her blog. She came up with “Feck” to take its fecken place. I liked it. Boom Mine. One of my friend’s doesn’t like to have “-ing” at the end of her words. Instead, the end with “-en”. I’m sure you’ve seen that I swiped that fecken thing too. 😀

6) I like fecken with people. Are you a homophobe? Come, gimme them sweet cheeks, boyo. Are you deeply religious? Luke, I am your god. Are you strongly atheistic? You will be much happier when you accept Jesus in your heart. But, I only do that if I like you in general.

7) I seek to help others, but I don’t know how to accept it for myself.

And now for the part where I’m supposed to nominate 7 other bloggers that I think deserve it.

Sweet Mother She’s a blast, and is willing to share some of her inner struggles. Also, the originator of the almighty “Feck.”

Sooz She’s epic. I love reading her blog. Some of her stories are pretty hot. 😉

R.S.Guthrie A friend of mine with several published books. He’s a good man who is willing to give me a hand with my novel. His books are really good. Go check them out on his blog.

Kevin Rau is another friend of mine who has published several books. He, too is willing to help me out with my novel. I really like Kevin’s H.E.R.O novels. Go get them on his blog. The first in his series is free.

Vy is as big a fan of Sweet Mother’s “Feck” as I am. She has a great blog, too.

Fab is one of my best friends. She is going through a lot, and is pretty tough. She’s new to the blogosphere, so, why not go check her out?

Miss Snarky Pants. She is funny as feck. She’s fond of snark, so she’s a woman after my own heart.

There. All done. Good luck to all I have nominated.

An Author Interview

Kevin Rau, Superhero Author.
Kevin Rau, Superhero Author.
Today I’m going an interview with the great author Kevin Rau. He’s the author of the phenomenal H.E.R.O: Metamorphoses, and H.E.R.O: New Markets. He’s also written others in the series, but I’ve not read them, so I can’t judge them. However, I look forward to reading the others.

1. Would you tell us a bit about yourself?

I’m a software developer/manager at a small company by day, by night I put on my mask and write novels. (It only seems silly if I see myself in the mirror.) I’ve been a superhero, fantasy and sci-fi fan since I was a child, and I’m also a long-time gamer (both computer games and role-playing games). I collected comics for many years, although I stopped nearly a decade ago when I was married.

2. Would you be willing to give us a brief rundown about your fantastic H.E.R.O. novels?

In a nutshell, I wanted comic-book action in book form, with all the extras that novels can bring over comics, such as dialog, minor plots, and depth given by many thousands of words. I chose a low-to-mid power level for my supers to “keep it real,” and to avoid dealing with ultra-powerful supers that deal with worldly events, as the series is focused on one (huge) city in my super world. I started the series off with a very in-depth walkthrough from three new heroes’ viewpoints, and then after a few books expanded into a larger set of heroes active in Metrocity. Each novel has a self-contained story, so the core plotlines will be wrapped up in that story. However, there are also plots that continue through the books, much like a television series. It’s grown quite a bit so far, to 12 books (9 novels, 2 short stories and 1 illustrated guide), and over a million words. (For general information, an average published book tends to be about 100,000 words, and most comic books have 1,500 to 2,500 words.)

3. How do you prepare to write? Are you an outliner, or a seat-of-your-pants style writer?

I select the core batch of plotlines that will be handled in that book, and then write up a large list of ongoing “issues” that need to be addressed for different characters, often due to plotlines that have crossed books. I very roughly outline the first 6-12 chapters, and then go by the pants. I often have no clue where the twists of a story will take it when I begin, as the personalities of the characters dictate what they’ll do when I happen to write a scene, and strange things sometimes occur.

4. Your H.E.R.O.s are grouped into three categories (that I’ve seen so far): Blaster, Mutant and Brick. Are there any combinations, or will there be?

The categories are (officially) Blaster, Brick, Mutant, Psychic, and Elemental, with both Mutants and Blasters serving as somewhat broad categories for those with unusual physical abilities, or energy-based abilities, respectively. There are indeed combinations. Example characters include Spartan (Brick with some blaster abilities to absorb fire), Zonk (Brick with rubber body and fireworks blast), and Lady Celeste (Mutant with psychic powers).

5. If you were to change, and could choose, would you be a Blaster, Brick, or Mutant?

That’s a tough decision, and would depend upon if I was the only hero around. In our real world, I’d probably choose a Brick, for very little could hurt one here. I wouldn’t mind being a mutant, so long as I didn’t look extremely non-human. I doubt I’d want to be a blaster, unless I could choose the energy type. Disintegration would be extremely useful, but there aren’t a lot of good uses for fire blasters…

6. What’s the hardest part about writing your novels?

These days, it’s focus. I have a tough time working a full day, going home, and then sitting at a desk and writing all night. Writing is a very intense mental activity, so it can wear a person out after enough time, day after day, and week after week.

7. Your cover art is pretty amazing. Do you do it yourself, or did you hire it out?

Really awesome. Just finished reading it. Click to buy it.
Really awesome. Just finished reading it. Click to buy it.

I make my own cover art. Having said that, I buy the 3D art assets (such as the base male and female figures), change them, and tweak or create my own materials (the colors on skin/clothes/etc.). So I guess it’s fair to say that it’s a mix of my art, based on separate art items made by other people.

8. What tools did you use for the cover art?

I use Poser to create the 3D characters, put in lights, change the camera angle, and render it. Paint.NET is my tool for materials, background, etc. I’ve got a few more, such as for 3D object manipulation, but those two handle 95% of my art time.

9. Do you write full-time, or part-time?

I write full-time in the evenings and weekends, and work as an I.T. Manager full-time during “regular business hours.”

10. I’m sure you get this a lot, but: Why superheroes?

I love superheroes. As I mentioned above, I was a collector of comic books for a long time, but wanted more story and dialog. I watch just about every (somewhat) major superhero movie that comes out. There’s something about being able to do more than a normal human, and being able to save the day would be great.

11. You are the only writer I’ve read that uses the story-telling method of getting each of your MC’s perspectives with a dash of third person perspective. What do you call it?

I’m not sure there is an official term. I suppose I would call it “shifting first-person,” although a friend of mine calls it “multi-personality writing mode.”

12. What made you decide to use that style?

I wanted readers to see what the character saw, to feel the experience through them. I shift the viewpoints to let the reader see each of the primary heroes in the story (or villain, in some cases). Sticking with a single first-person mode wouldn’t allow for that, and third-person felt too distant. (Not that I don’t write in that mode, the novel I’m just finishing up is a fantasy novel, and uses third-person.)

13. Where can we find your novels?

The e-Books of them can be found on all major e-retailers, such as Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, iTunes, Smashwords. I’ll include links to the first book for those below (the first full novel is free, by the way), since that’s the normal place to start. You can also find all the links on my website, on the book’s page at: http://www.kevinrau.com/books.asp
Paperback copies can be found through Amazon or Createspace, and links to them are also at http://www.kevinrau.com/books.asp

From left to right: Pystar, Spartan, and Black Tiger.Click the image to get it for Kindle.
From left to right: Pystar, Spartan, and Black Tiger.
Click the image to get it for Kindle.
H.E.R.O. – Metamorphosis can be found free at (also on international sites of them, search for the book name, or by Kevin Rau):

Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Kobo Books
itunes
Smash Words
Drive Thru Fiction

I also post information on my author Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/herobooks

Robert – thanks much for having me here!

Kevin Rau

Kevin's Books.
Kevin’s Books.
http://www.kevinrau.com

Thank you for being here, Kevin. If anyone clicks the images, they’ll be taken to purchase pages, or Kevin’s website.